Okay, I know some of you reading this are thinking: what the.. I swear she’s a photographer…? And you’re right! She am! I mean.. I am! But, not many people know that after graduating from photography school, I was too terrified to even pick up my camera for two years. So, here’s a little story time as to why I quit photography and why it took me so long to start taking photos again.
I didn’t have the right personality
Everyone and their mother knows that I’m really quiet. I’m shyer than your cat. In photography school, I learned right away that I don’t have the right personality to be a photographer. Directing models on how to pose, working with clients.. Those things didn’t, and honestly still don’t, come naturally to me. I was taught a bunch of posing techniques and etiquette, but why would anyone trust this chicken girl (me)?
I doubted my abilities
I booked a couple photoshoots for family and friends when in my last year of school. I had to bring someone to each shoot and constantly ask if I was doing okay and even ask for help. Unfortunately, I just doubted my abilities so much that I couldn’t work up the courage to give those people the photos. I disappointed people because of my doubt, and it really sucks.
I felt lost
I went into photography school wanting to get into fashion photography, but after graduating, I was in a little fashion show that made me hate the fashion world. I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Hearing modelling coaches telling us not to eat and actually seeing girls not eating, being told what’s pretty and what’s not pretty, and being forced to be someone you’re not.. It just all didn’t sit right with me. So, I felt lost on where I wanted to go with photography.
I had zero self confidence
It took a lot out of me to even get to the point of applying to photography school. Pretty much everyone told me that I was outta my mind for wanting to get into photography. I cried every time someone old me that it was a mistake and that it’d be a total waste of money. My high school vice principal laughed in my freaking face. I lost all confidence I had in myself.
All of these things affected me so negatively that after graduating, I literally became afraid of taking photos. I couldn’t even make myself pick up my camera. It felt like I developed a fear of photography because any time someone mentioned taking photos I was like, nope no way.
I got married a year after graduating, and it wasn’t until our honeymoon that I picked up a camera for the first time. I refused to use my own camera because I didn’t want to take photos or even carry a camera. I did take some photos (because London and Paris are beautiful) but after that trip, it was back to no photography.
Another year passed of no photography, and we were jetting off on a trip to Japan. I actually brought my own camera.. And I actually took photos.. It was the first time since graduating that I felt even a little bit comfortable behind the camera. It was the first time I felt inspired to take photos. It was the first time that I was proud of my photos. The first time I edited my photos and liked them.
It was because of that trip to Japan that I started my @payneriel Instagram account and this blog right here - the place that I now share my own photos with my own edits. My own photography and creative outlet. (ya I have only a few followers, but hello - growth people!) My very first blog post was about that Trip to Japan.
Even now today I lack so much confidence. Going into photography being told I was going to fail and that I was making a mistake is always in the back of my mind making me constantly doubt myself. That being said, I’m finally starting to be brave enough to say yes to photoshoots. I’m (slowly) starting to believe in my abilities. I’m working on gaining more confidence in myself. I’m learning to just be me. I’m figuring out the direction I want to go in with my photography.
I’ve grown SO much in the last couple of years.
I’ve taken photos for brands like Banana Republic, Ace Hill, and Kobo. Like, !!! I never in a million years thought I’d reach where I am today. Yes, I’m not a full-time photographer; but, I still feel like now I can officially say - with some confidence might I add - I’m a photographer.
x Melissa